The Benefits of Life-Writing

Elizabeth Wilcox has written a stunning new memoir that traces three generations of mother-daughter trauma in her family. The principal characters are the author; her mother, Barbara; Barbara’s mother, Violet; and Violet’s mother, Anna. The memoir includes scenes and conversations with present-day family along with tireless research into the life stories of Barbara’s deceased mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother.

What makes the memoir so absorbing is that Wilcox uses a technique that takes us more deeply into the story. “We can listen to our mothers’ stories, but to understand why those stories so visibly impact us and others, we have to use our imaginations. To be empathetic and to try to understand how others feel, we have to try to take their perspectives, as hard as that effort may be.” So, along with memoir, the book is also “an imagined history of maternal memoir that is [Wilcox’s] attempt to find truth.”

The story opens in London, England in 1989. There, twenty-two-year-old Elizabeth has lived in her parents’ apartment during college and has recently graduated. Then, her mother has arrived for a visit to her beloved daughter and beloved London. After talking at length, both women have retired for the night. Unable to sleep, Elizabeth returns to the kitchen to prepare warm milk with a good splash of scotch. She reflects on the evening with her mother. She’d had no patience to hear that her nails needed a trim. Or that she needed to thank her mother for another meal she’d gone out of her way to prepare. Of how Barbara had worked tirelessly for her seven children as they grew up. About Barbara’s childhood. How difficult her life had been. Finally, without saying good night, Elizabeth had left for her room.

Barbara returns to the kitchen and takes over the warm milk preparation. She tells her daughter she loves her. She doesn’t mention Elizabeth’s earlier impatience. Certainly Barbara already knows that this daughter doesn’t like her. Yet in the approaching hours, Barbara will ask Elizabeth to help her write her childhood story. Reluctantly, Elizabeth agrees. Later on, her father will also encourage her to tell her mother’s story. I rest my hand on the outcome of that long-ago conversation, the powerful memoir, The Long Tail of Trauma.

Thus, we enter a journey tracing three generations of mother-daughter trauma. We travel to London, England; Weston, MA; Fairlee, VT; Hamburg and Dusseldorf, Germany; Old Saybrook, CT; Wassenaar, Holland; Wales; New York; Cape Cod and more as Wilcox traces the lives of her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, each traumatically separated from her respective mother at a young age.

Wilcox reminds me of a master quilter who has gathered small and large pieces of fabric through the years. Many are beautiful; others are so ugly. Yet she has arranged them with deep care into a design tenderly stitched together with honesty, wisdom, and love. She has transformed those pieces into a unique masterpiece. It is a gift not only for herself and family. It also speaks to all who, like myself, have returned to the past. There, we learn the truth of long hidden events and move through the trauma. We come to a light at the end of the darkness and discover we have been transformed.

Surely, this memoir has healed a family. Also, I’m reminded that today we are opening our hearts to the past. We have opened our eyes to the racism we’ve long failed to see or not known how to help. The Long Tail of Trauma is an exemplar story of healing for all who care about others in our world today, be they immediate family or our worldwide family with long histories of abuse. Surely, we well know that telling our stories and listening to others with respect and kindness is the beginning of healing.

Note: This review was first published by Story Circle Network’s award-winning Book Review site.